CMG’s Guide to Surviving Halloween

Here’s a classic from our archives, just for today!


It’s our favourite time of year, when power ranger suits are briefly entirely acceptable and normal. When leather pants are just par for the course and dressing up in lace and lederhosen … err, wait a sec, that one might be just me.

We are, of course, talking about All Hallow’s Eve —the holiday invented to teach children the essential art of extortion for candy and when various creatures of pure evil roam the streets (and no, we’re not talking about Telemarketers).

So, in the event you find yourself riding your bike out on Halloween, what should you do to avoid having some minion of evil use your skull as a snack dish?  Or worse, finding out the neighbour’s houses are entirely out of chocolate bars and all they have left are those nasty penny toffees?

Well fear thee not, welcome to the CMG Halloween Guide, your one-stop guide to surviving the perils of both excess candy ingestion and undead brain-munching zombies …

You’ll need to wear a suitable helmet tonight, both to protect your head from the asphalt and your brains from the zombies.

The motorcyclist’s 10 step guide to surviving Halloween:

1) Make sure your bike is gassed up and in good running order. You may want to skip taking the 30-year-old kick-start-only thumper with the iffy carb, and instead ride the EFI machine that’s as reliable as a hammer.

Speaking of which, bring a hammer — you never know when the undead zombie hordes might get a trifle close.

2) All The Gear, All The Time. It’s much more difficult for the denizens of hell to eat you when you’re wearing thick leathers or sturdy armoured Kevlar. Plus, all DOT-approved helmets are (from what we understand) rigorously tested to ensure at least several minutes of brain-eating resistance.

Sorry, if you insist on wearing that beanie you’re only offering up your brain in an ornamental dish. Repeat after me: full face means an uneaten face.

3) Oh, and get yourself some riding boots with ankle support, but make sure they are still flexible enough to be able to run in. You don’t want to sprain things while making that dash through your former friends and co-workers for your two-wheeled escape vehicle!

Why fight to get that room tidy when you should just go for a ride?

4) If your loved ones start growing extra hair (or limbs) and have a head spinning faster than a merry-go-round strapped to a Gixxer – it may be a good time to leave the dinner table and go on an extended solo ride.

Sure, it could turn out your significant other was just in a bit of a mood, but do you really want to take that chance?

Pay attention to signage along the way.

5) Do not, we repeat, do not leave your ride in a dark underground parking lot. After they’ve managed to drag their decomposing bodies out of the ground, the first place the undead go is a dark underground parking garage – preferably one with a blinking fluorescent light.

6) Once you’re safely on your bike, do not head straight for your local Tim Horton’s parking lot meet-and-greet session. If you were a flesh-eating minion of the undead, who would you prioritize?  The guy riding away at high speed, or the unskilled show-off type of fellow who is standing next to his bike conveniently stuffed full of pastry and sugary drinks?

Pick your riding companions well.

7) If you happen to live in a university town, you should try to surround yourself with amorous college kids – preferably those who fit the stereotypes of “Jock” and “Cheerleader.”

While they flail about, spraining ankles, skinny dipping and making out (and that’s the surest way to attract psycho killers and zombies), you can just leisurely find your steed and ride away to a secure location.

8) Failing that, bring along some riding companions. Preferably ones with slower bikes that lack full fairings. We’ve had a few people suggest CMG bike reviewers for their propensity to fall over and provide a tasty distraction, but we’re not recommending this as a tactic in general. For one thing, you’ll be the first group after the zombie apocalypse to run entirely out of scotch.

At this point, it’s too late to dream of the new GSX-R.

9) Also, stay away from certain roads. Sure, that abandoned cemetery has nice curving roads, and who hasn’t taken a quick spin through the abandoned government nuclear testing facility on occasion, but it might be a good time to drive someplace with a little bit more in the way of other people. Living ones that is.

10) And when the night of running from zombies, psycho killers and other ghouls is eventually over, be sure to dream of fast motorcycles. You never know when Freddie might make an appearance and if you’re dreaming about the Mad Bastard Scooter Rally, then good luck avoiding those finger knives.

0 thoughts on “CMG’s Guide to Surviving Halloween”

  1. The pumpkins – what one may choose to do in the privacy of your own home with goose innards and a door opener are none of my business…

  2. On a slightly serious note, watch out for pumpkins that have been thrown on the road and smashed – slipperier than goose guts on a door knob.
    Ask me how I know…

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