CMG’s Cynical Guide to the Federal Election

In case you haven’t heard, we’ve got a federal election coming up. Canadians head to the polls on October 21 to vote for a leader.

The coming weeks will be full of news, fake news, and rumours. We live in confusing times, and to help you keep it all straight, CMG has compiled the following guidebook to help you navigate the election propaganda. If you’re wondering who you should vote for, we’ve simplified the question by explaining things in motorcycle terminology.

We’re not sure who would be stuck on the pillion.

Justin Trudeau would ride a Ducati 996

Our incumbent prime minister swept into power with promises of big change. Electoral reform, improved relations with First Nations, a gender-balanced cabinet, openness, honesty, legalized cannabis, blah blah blah. Who could resist? It’s sort of like when you’re going through a motorcycle magazine, see a Ducati 996 in all its glory, and say, “That’s what I want.”

Alas, Trudeau’s record in office has been similar to a Ducati rider’s experience aboard the new bike. A few miles down the road and you realize the gearbox is full of false neutrals, and you really can’t afford the thing anyway. For that reason, we’d say he’d be a 996 rider, buying it with Daddy’s money and getting longtime pal Gerald Butts to ride off into the sunset with him. It’s like the movie Wild Hogs, but less American.

Andrew Scheer wishes his parents had enough money to buy him a little red Corvette.

Andrew Scheer would ride a Honda CM400A

Andrew Scheer, the leader of the opposition, is vilified regularly as being the Evil Spawn of Stephen Harper. His opponents hurl all sorts of accusations: racism, homophobia, whatever they think will stick.  Electing him will usher in the return of the Dark Ages, we’re told.

The hype is reminiscent of all that flashy advertising for Prince’s album Purple Rain. Look at that motorcycle, all that smoke! Prince must be a really hard-core dude! Until you look underneath and see that, hey, Prince is wearing high heels, and that motorcycle is a Honda CM400A, the automatic version of Big Red’s wimpy beginner bike. Boooooring! Sort of like Andrew Scheer! (What else do you expect from a politician who’s backed by Big Dairy?). And don’t forget, the Honda was always a very affordable bike, which is important when you’re busy reminding everyone about your humble working-class origins. It’s perfect for Scheer!

Elizabeth May flees rising sea levels on her e-bike.

Elizabeth May would ride an e-bike

Elizabeth May, leader of the Green Party, is all about cutting back on fossil fuels, in an attempt to reduce carbon emissions. For that reason, a battery-powered e-bike makes total sense. But beware, the Greens are also planning to phase out coal-fired electrical generation, so until we replace those power plants, it might get difficult to re-charge your e-bike. Don’t sell your sportbike just yet …

An unknown presence appears in Canada, with no previous history. Are we talking about NDP leader Jagmeet Singh, or the equally mysterious Royal Enfield Himalayan?

Jagmeet Singh would ride a Royal Enfield Himalayan

What do we know about Jagmeet Singh, federal leader of the NDP? Not much. He knows how to dress well, and he talks a big game, but he has basically zero record at the federal level. Is he a capable leader, or a phony? Hard to say, and that’s sort of like the Royal Enfield Himalayan.

We’ve been trying to get our hands on a Himalayan test bike for years here, and still haven’t been able to line one up. We can’t tell you if it just looks the part, or if it actually can handle a real workload. We couldn’t even get a straight answer on how much it will cost, when we asked — sort of like an NDP economic plan. Looks like the Royal Enfield would be a perfect match for Singh!

Who can lead us when society breaks down? Maxime Bernier is preparing for this grim scenario.

Maxime Bernier would ride a Kawasaki KZ1000 rat bike

Foiled in his run for the Conservative leadership, Maxime Bernier left to start his own club, the People’s Party of Canada. He’s a true outsider now, battling everyone on the left and the right. Sort of reminds us of a movie, from the ’70s, starring Mel Gibson …

Except, if Bernier was in the film that spawned his Mad Max nickname, he wouldn’t be driving a car. Oh no! He’d be the leader of a band of bikie brigands, attracting the wild wastelanders with his charisma and his total disregard for the system. The KZ1000 rat bike is ideal for this scenario, slapped together with no regard for restrictive safety laws! Libertarianism for all! Who needs brake lights, anyway?

5 thoughts on “CMG’s Cynical Guide to the Federal Election”

  1. This is probably the most disappointing election for me to date. I hold zero respect for all the candidates who find it easier to hurl insults than make any meaningful comments. And the wishy washy answers they give allow them all to pull out should the get any resistance. However, thanks the CMG’s guide I now have a clearer picture. I’ll back the Kawi any day of the week. Politically I’m not concerned with making the wrong choice because now I can point the finger here, just like a true politician. Thanks CMG!

  2. Turdeau wouldn’t ride any motorcycle: The helmet would mess up his pretty hair and cover his pretty face so he couldn’t be adored by his fans. And of course he’d have to use both his hands, so he wouldn’t be able to grope anyone and that just won’t do!

    Scheer is a Conservative who understands and respects history. He’d ride a stock ’57 FLH.

  3. Hah, good analogies all !
    One minor point of clarification, Prince rode a Honda CM400A automatic, which when you think about it suits Scheer even better.

Join the conversation!