Loud pipes are a hot-button issue every spring, but never more so than now, with rumours of an upcoming Conservative bill aimed at combating noisy exhausts on a nationwide level.
Sources have told CMG the Conservatives plan on a move to ban exhausts louder than 92 dB across the country, starting with a new bill expected later this week in parliament called the fair exhaust act. A leaked document we’ve received says this is part of their new “tough-on-hullabaloo” initiative, planned to debut today, April 1.
We managed to contact leaders of the other parties, with mixed response. Both the Liberals and NDP were at outraged at first mention of the proposed ruling.
“Doesn’t Stephen Harper know that loud pipes save lives?” said Liberal leader Justin Trudeau. “This is typical Conservative arrogance. Plus, the babes love it when I rack my Thunder headers.”
Thomas Mulcair was similarly incensed. “As the owner of a pretty sweet beard, I stand with my hipster brothers on this one,” he said. “I’ve even been thinking of building a sloppy-looking cafe racer out of a CB750 myself, complete with a bodged-together and taped-up exhaust made with straight pipes. This time, the Conservatives have gone too far. What will they ban next, thrift store inspired fashions, tight-fitting jeans, old-school sneakers, and thick rimmed glasses?”
André Bellavance from the PQ party seemed confused “We’ve been trying to get rid of all motorcycles in Quebec for a long time now. Who is this ‘Arper man who thinks he can tell us what to do? A sovereign Quebec would ban motorcycles but allow as loud a pipe as you want. That way we save lives twice.”
Surprisingly, Elizabeth May was the only supporter of Harper’s recommendation.
“Anything that can make it harder to drive a gas-burning vehicle and get more people out on bicycles is all right with the Green Party,” May said. “However, I’ll be introducing my own bill to ban bicycle noise makers – those hockey cards in the spokes sound just like a real hog. Shocking.”
When asked about this new law, Prime Minister Harper said “the opposition think I never listen. I try, I just can’t hear them over their exhaust racket. Except for May. I wish she liked loud pipes.”